11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

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This article originally appeared in Psychology Today on Jan 22nd 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships

 

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

People who gaslight typically use the following techniques:

  1. They tell blatant lies.

You know it’s an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they’re setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you’re not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

  1. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof. 

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

  1. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition. 

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identityis to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you’d be a worthy person if only you didn’t have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

  1. They wear you down over time.

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often…and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It’s the “frog in the frying pan” analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what’s happening to it.

  1. Their actions do not match their words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.

  1. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. 

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don’t have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, “Well maybe they aren’t so bad.” Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

  1. They know confusion weakens people. 

Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans’ natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

  1. They project.

They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter’s own behavior.

  1. They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, “This person knows that you’re not right,” or “This person knows you’re useless too.” Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that’s exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.

 

  1. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it’s dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It’s a master technique.

  1. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You’ve never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It’s a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the “correct” information—which isn’t correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter’s trap.

Copyright 2017 Sarkis Media: www.stephaniesarkis.com

 

Interesting article on the physiology of Panic Attacks

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“Oh God, I’m shaking, I feel sick!” (the physiology of fight or flight / panic attacks)

Evolution produced us: today’s fabulous human beings. But… there are a few design flaws. And some primitive responses we’ve been saddled with that often do more harm than good these days. But we can learn to understand and control them with CBT…

TigerFace

What is ‘fight or flight’? When we perceive a threat, our bodies go into ‘fight or flight’ mode in an instant – this physical response was developed during evolution to help us survive the sabre-toothed tiger, or that troublemaker that was trying to oust us from the tribe, or indeed anything that threatened our survival.


“Fight or flight is an instant pumping up of our bodies (with a series of physiological changes) that better equips us to fight hard or run fast from ‘danger’ – it prepares us for extreme physical action in an instant.”

Here are a couple of examples that will explain the immediacy and effects of fight or flight:-

  • You walk over to your lovely bowl of fruit. Reach in, and… ‘OH! a big SPIDER! EEK’. The natural reaction is to jump back – our bodies instantly revving into fight or flight, our hearts thump, our stomachs tighten into a knot etc. But within a few moments, we (well most of us) realise there is no extreme danger here – and our bodies return to a natural balance very quickly.
  • You’re in bed. You’re woken by a crash sound somewhere in your home. A BURGLAR?! You are instantly alert – you spring up, tilt your head back, eyes focussing in the middle distance for danger, ears straining to hear what’s going on, your heart pumping and lungs expanding to take more oxygen, heat rising in your body, ready to take whatever action is required (this can include ‘freezing’ which protected us from notice of predators etc)… then your flatmate shouts in ‘sorry, only me, I dropped a plate’. Deep sigh as your body returns to balance…

Those are examples of real practical problems that would benefit from fight or flight… after all, if you had to deal with a giant tarantula or a violent intruder, you would make good use of your body in its prepped and revved up state. And in both instances, within a very short time, we realise there has been a mistake in processing the event, and our body returns to balance (homeostasis) quickly. But – many of us fight ‘invisible tigers’ constantly – perceiving dangers and threats and sabre toothed tigers everywhere, which brings on flight or flight even when there is no real danger present.

Stress triggers that cause uncomfortable fight or flight symptoms are different for everybody, any number of things can mistakenly appear as a hazard or danger that we feel unable to cope with – general examples?  having to give a presentation, attend an interview, go on a date, drive in bad traffic, cope with your noisy children, sort out the bills, busy social occasions, talking to people you’re attracted to, oh… take your pick, you know who you are!

If you have anxiety (or are a ‘worrier), the chances are that you are fearful of many things, with the flight or flight hormones constantly simmering within, which may cause general fatigue, confusion, and ill health – this would also contribute to self-limiting decisions and behaviours, and would of course reinforce a negative view of the world.

Fight or flight carries a lot of unhelpful and debilitating effects – recognise any of these?

Fight or Flight

Of course, situations are only a ‘fight or flight’ danger if you perceive them as such – todays danger is often psychological rather than physical. Ideally, we would use CBT to recognise that our thinking causes our ‘upsettness’ and the idea that we are unable to cope – so that we could learn healthy new thinking that would prevent us perceiving hazards where there are none – and so that we could develop new coping skills for a better and more comfortable life experience.

But… for the purpose of this post – let us just look at the physiology of fight or flight here – as it is shown to help people better manage the situation if they understand, scientifically, exactly what is happening and why. Understanding that fight or flight is a natural bodily reaction with a beginning, a middle and an end – and that it is actually a sophisticated elaborate chain developed to help and protect you – can be hugely helpful. This learning and awareness helps us to break down the cycle of fear that can happen otherwise, and can even calm us down – ideally halting the symptoms, or at least decreasing their ferocity and duration – helping us to calm down and ‘right our body balance’ in a shorter time frame.

OK … common Fight or Flight physical symptoms – (the things we don’t realise are happening to cause the symptoms):

  • Thoughts racing and disjointed – caused by an adrenaline release.
  • Dizzy / lightheaded –due to adrenaline and increased oxygen levels.
  • Surroundings seem distant or visual ‘tunnel’ –your pupils dilate to allow you to take in as much visual information as possible. Eyes refocus to the distance to spot danger.
  • Heart pounding – The heart starts beating faster to increase circulation, since the body anticipates it will be working harder to service the muscles.
  • Difficulty breathing – the lungs throat and nostrils open up to flood the lungs with enough oxygen to keep up with the increased circulation of blood (re-oxygenating it) – this can trigger shallow rapid breathing.
  • Neck and shoulder tension – caused by oxygen pumping to muscles, or after effects as the oxygen reduces.
  • Blushing – Adrenaline causes your blood vessels to dilate in order to improve blood flow and oxygen delivery. As a result, the veins in your face dilate, allowing more blood to flow through them than usual.
  • Sweating – The body heats up because it is working harder to circulate blood. And then sweats so it can cool itself down / regulate temperatures.
  • Butterflies/’sick’ feeling – Cortisol shuts down your digestive system, (as it is not needed to fight or run), redirecting blood to essential systems such as the heart, lungs, legs and arms. This can also cause irritable bowel syndrome, nausea and diarrhea
  • Dry Mouth – Cortisol shutting down inessential systems reduces saliva in the mouth.
  • Need to urinate (and maybe even pass a stool) – The bladder and bowels may open out to reduce the need for inessential internal actions (and faeces & urine may have put off our attackers)
  • Trembling, wobbliness, tingling and shaking – an effect of adrenaline stimulus and oxygen overload.
  • Tightness in the chest and throat, difficulty breathing – the body is overloading on oxygen – which is dangerous if you do not burn the extra oxygen off. Therefore the body tries to reduce the levels by constricting the chest and the lungs, reducing breath intake…

It is common that some people feel even more anxious and scared when these physical effects of fight or flight kick in (they start out feeling anxious about the situation, then they get the physical symptoms and are freaked out by them as well – which accelerates and amplifies the symptoms up to an actual ‘panic attack’). For some, it becomes the fear of the physiology itself that causes a major and ongoing social fear issue (blushing, sweating, breathlessness). Attempting to ‘fight’ against the physical manifestations of anxiety almost always has the opposite effect and intensifies them. Try instead to simply ‘let them happen’ – try to ‘observe’ outside of yourself… tell yourself what’s happening to your body and why – e.g.:

This sweating is simply my bodies way of regulating it’s temperature as it’s overheated because I’m scared of this situation and I’ve gone into fight or flight – it will stop as soon as I calm down – I’ll breath in and out slowly and deeply… I am ok, I can cope, this is ok…

Summary: what is happening with a person who reacts with anxiety and inappropriate physical symptoms is that their body is reacting to the situation as if were as dangerous as, say, a tiger or lion approaching to tear them apart. A false perception has occurred, triggering a very basic and automatic response. We can learn to challenge our perception of events, and because the fight or flight response occurs only when we perceive danger, it can be avoided or minimized if we can convince ourselves there is nothing to fear.

We can challenge and relearn our behaviour and responses to stress triggers by restructuring our thoughts in a more rational and healthy way with CBT – but we also need to be aware of how and why we are physically feeling the way we are – this can help us to stave off panic and remain reasonably calm.

Quick tips:

Deep breathing: because so many symptoms are caused by the oxygen/rapid breathing physiology – breathing control exercises are hugely helpful in easing them. 

Medication: if your anxiety is extreme and affecting your life, please go to your doctor and discuss the situation, there is no shame – if you had high blood pressure or diabetes you’d accept it and address it pragmatically, right? treat this in the same way.  If necessary, there are several medication options that can relieve your symptoms immediately while you work on your new coping skills (e.g. Betablockers, which suppress the stress hormone involved in the fight-or-flight response. This helps control the physical symptoms of anxiety, or a benzodiazepine/tranquiliser…).

Cardio exercise – when you feel your body go into fight or flight jitters, do 5 minutes of physical exercise if possible in the environment you’re in (run up and down stairs, do sit ups…anything cardiovascular, something that  makes you sweat!). The body has primed itself for something physically dramatic (the fighting the tiger or running away very quickly..) – and if you stay immobile it will be confused and take longer to return to homeostasis – the exercise will restore balance more quickly.

Relaxation – choose deliberately to do something you find relaxing (movie, book, candles and music, a walk in park, whatever) – the body has a ‘relaxation’ physical response, which releases chemicals that reduce stress hormones, this slows your heart rate and lowers blood pressure and relaxes muscles, returning you homeostasis (balance). A good source of relaxation/mindfullness exercises can be found on Beaumont Hospital’s site at www.beaumont.ie/marc

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Headach Clipart WomanEXTRA NOTE – BEWARE CORTISOL (the stress hormone, or the ‘death hormone’ as it’s scarily called!) – it gets secreted when we are under physical and/or emotional stress. No matter what the source of stress, cortisol is released into the blood stream to help us cope, aiding our fight and flight response by putting sugar into the blood stream so our muscles and brain have the fuel needed to react.

Cortisol is generally high in the morning, but should subside by evening when our rest and repair system (parasympathetic system) is supposed to take over and return us to metabolic equilibrium (homeostasis).  Or… at least that scenario is the appropriate stress response by the body – BUT, todays lifestyles and challenges mean that more and more of us are in a state of high cortisol most of the time – as our system keeps us in a constant state of ‘readiness’ for the perceived danger/threat of our ‘stressors’.

This is very dangerous to our health as cortisol curbs functions that are not essential for fight or flight, which alters the immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and the growth process. Long-term overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all your body’s processes. This puts you at increased risk of numerous health problems, including:

Irritable bowel syndrom – Heart disease – Sleep problems – Digestive problems – Depression – Obesity (particularly depositing fat around our middle section) – Accelerated aging – Memory impairment – Skin problems – susceptibility to illness, etc.

These physical health implications are why it’s so important to learn healthy ways to cope with the stressors in your life to help the body stay at (or return quickly to) hormonal balance/homeostasis

CBT – learning how to view events and situations in a way that is in proportion to their actual effect on you/your life, will help control your emotional response to them… reducing the instances and strength of fight or flight manifestation. You should also explore relaxation and visualisation exercises, and of course a good diet and time set aside for regular physical exercise will play a part. As will maximising satisfactions and benefits in your ‘life areas’ (You like walking by the sea? Do it more! You dislike something? Do it less!)

Task: create a two column chart, in the first column write out a list of physical symptoms you feel when stressed, and in the second write out the scientific explanation for each one. Study & remember.

Some minor edits were made to the original article which can be found in Veronica Walsh’s blog at http://iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/oh-god-i%E2%80%99m-shaking-i-feel-sick-the-physiology-of-fight-or-flight/

An Open Letter from a Therapist to His Clients

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by | Mar 29, 2016 | Artisan Blog

[The original post for this article can be found at http://artisanclinical.com/an-open-letter-from-a-therapist-to-his-clients/]

Dear Fellow Travelers,

I’ll be the first to admit, writing a letter like this is unusual.

We’re not supposed to talk in public about what we talk about in private. You’re supposed to hide your decision to see me, as if it means you’re more damaged or more fragile than the average person. And I’m supposed to have power over you—degrees and expertise and insights I’ll unleash at just the right moment. I’m supposed to take my authority very, very seriously, and I’m supposed to protect it by telling you very little about what goes on inside of me.

Well, I call BS.

And I do so for one reason in particular: you’ve told me again and again you feel badly about weighing me down with your wounds and burdening me with your, well, burdens. So, I think you need to know this: early one morning last week, I opened my calendar and was overwhelmed with gratitude. I looked at the list of the precious people with whom I’d be spending my day, and I had only one thought in my head:

I’m the luckiest person in the world.

How many people go through every day of life—especially weekdays in the workplace—and never have any kind of authentic human connection? How many of us are hungering for just a little bit of vulnerability and honesty and reality? And yet, this is what I get to do at work, all day.

I can’t believe I get to do this.

In ten years, you have radically altered everything I believe about people. I used to think people were basically bad to the bone—selfish, vicious, devious. And it’s true, those things do exist within most of us. You’ve shown them to me. But then, together, we’ve located a deeper, truer place within you. A place where a light burns so bright it’s Beautiful, with a capital B. When I go to work, I get to be reminded there is something brilliant at the center of every human being.

I’ve been humbled by your beauty.  

I offer you something you can’t find too many other places—I observe, I remain objective, and I openly share my insights. Sometimes they are a revelation. And sometimes they are just flat out wrong. When they are, you tell me so, and you share with me your insights about who you are and how life works. To do my job well, I have to embrace uncertainty about my own ideas and I have to be open to the accuracy of yours. And it is utterly freeing.

I’ve been humbled by your wisdom.

You come in and you say things few of us dare to say out loud. For an hour a week, you fashion a place of true belonging from your vulnerability and daring and determination to become unlonely. Some weeks this is more painful than others. Some weeks it doesn’t happen at all. But then you show true courage, and you return again, to try again. When I go to work, ordinary people teach me about extraordinary bravery.

I’ve been humbled by your guts.

You refuse to sleepwalk through this life. You refuse to numb yourself to what’s going on inside of you and around you. You insist upon finding your way to a life of consciousness. Alertness. Awareness. Awakeness. The truth is, the sun has dropped on plenty of mindless Saturdays in which I was left wondering, “What is the point of all this?” but I have never been left wondering that at the end of a day at my office. You are seeking to live your lives fully alive. And I get to witness it. Join you in it.

I’ve been humbled by your passion.

We live in a world in which, it seems, the flags are always flying at half mast. There is so much to grieve. Most work, unfortunately, has become a distraction from our grief. But when I go to work, I join those of you who have decided grieving is an essential part of being alive. You cycle through your denial about what hurts, your anger at those who’ve hurt you, your disappointment about what could have been, and you find your way to peace about all the sad and sacred pain of being human. You’ve taught me how to open up to all of it.

I’ve been humbled by your tenacious tears. 

You see, when I go to work this week, I won’t be the only healer in the room—I have a bunch of healers listed by name in my calendar. Because you all teach me the tender truth about what it means to be human, and then I pass that truth along. In this way, actually, you’re all healing each other. I’m just the conduit.

I can’t believe I get to do this. But I do.

We do.

With gratitude,

Kelly

 

Why Feelings Will Always Beat Facts

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New research reveals what really influences us (and it’s not what we think).
Post published by Douglas Van Praet on Mar 30, 2015 in Unconscious Branding
Taken from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/unconscious-branding/201503/why-feelings-will-always-beat-facts?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

There’s a good reason that Prudential tells you to “Get a piece of the Rock,” Allstate offers to help you avoid the troublemaker “Mayhem,” and Geico is “So easy a caveman can do it.” Advertisers—and research scientists—have learned that metaphors can be more effective than facts alone at influencing your decisions and actions.

It’s because metaphors, like stories, bypass your critical thinking, influencing your deeper, and more powerful, intuitive mind. This is the part of the mind that is the seat of your decision-making and behavior, and it works by implicit association not rational analysis. The drivers of our decisions are often the emotional coloring on top of the literal facts. Metaphors are among the best way to generate these evocative internal and often hidden intimations and feelings.

A study by Stanford University psychologists demonstrates just how powerful a single word can be in influencing a course of action, provided that one word is a metaphor: In the study, participants read short descriptions about rising crime rates in a fictitious city and then answered questions about the city. The purpose of the research was to measure how their answers changed depending upon how crime was described—as a “beast” or a “virus.”

Assistant professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau found that study participants were about 20 percent more likely to recommend a law enforcement-based approach when rising crime rates were framed as a “beast.” But when test subjects were told it was a “virus,” they were more inclined to address the issues through social reform, such as new programs aimed at boosting the economy or underperforming schools.

The descriptions participants read also included troubling statistics about increased crime—one report indicated that there were 10,000 more crimes reported in 2007 than 2004, and that the number of murders had increased from 330 to more than 500 during that time. When subjects were later questioned about what had been the most influential aspect of the report in shaping their decisions on how best to curb crime, they almost universally believed it was the facts while only a small minority identified the metaphor.

They were wrong.

The reality is we humans are really feeling beings—not thinking machines. We make decisions based on emotion more than logic. Metaphors are often more effective at making us feel differently and as a result they can make us more inclined to act differently. As Boroditsky put it: “People like to think they’re objective and making decisions based on numbers. They want to believe they’re logical. But they’re really being swayed by metaphors.”

So if you want to make a poignant point, or influence others, use similes and metaphors and not just facts and figures. The best business leaders are often experts in the art of persuasion and storytelling through the use of metaphorical comparisons. For example, when Warren Buffet was asked about his first large investment, which involved the purchase of his namesake holding company, Berkshire Hathaway, he said, “We went into a terrible business because it was cheap. It’s what I refer to as the ‘used cigar butt’ approach to investing. You see this cigar butt down there, it’s soggy and terrible, but there’s one puff left, and it’s free. That’s what Berkshire was when we bought it—it was selling below working capital—but it was a terrible, terrible mistake.” While some may bore you with easily forgotten financial facts, Buffet doesn’t just tell stories, he sells them through clever use of metaphors.

For your next business meeting, think about creating a sound bite not easily forgotten but easily passed on to others, one that provides a multisensory metaphorical handle that others can see, feel, and even taste, invoking deeper imagery and richer associational territory than that same old “eye chart” spread sheet.

The 6 Best Ways to Beat Anxiety

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Research-based coping strategies that can help you get through it.
Post published by Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. on Jun 28, 2011 in The Mindful Self-Express
Taken from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201106/the-6-best-ways-beat-anxiety

We all know the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. Our hearts race, our fingers sweat, and our breathing gets shallow and labored. We experience racing thoughts about a perceived threat we fear will be too much to handle. That’s because our “fight or flight” response has kicked in, resulting in sympathetic arousal and a narrowing of attention and focus on avoiding the threat. We seem to be locked in that state, unable to focus on our daily chores or longer-term goals. As a cognitive-behavior therapist with more than 15 years of experience, I have found a variety of techniques that I can teach my patients with anxiety disorders such as phobias, panic attacks, or chronic worry. Some are based on changing thoughts, and others on changing behavior; still others involve physiological responses. The more aspects of anxiety I can decrease, the lower the chance of relapse post-therapy.

Below are six strategies that you can use to help relieve your everyday anxiety:

  1. Reevaluate the probability of the threatening event actually happening.Anxiety makes us feel that a threat is imminent, yet most of the time what we worry most about never happens. By recording our worries—and how few actually came true—we can notice how much we overestimate the prospect of negative events.
  2. Decatastrophize.Even if a bad event happened, we may still be able to handle it by using  coping skills and problem-solving abilities or by enlisting others to help. Although not pleasant, we could still survive encountering a spider, having a panic attack, or losing money. It’s important to realize that very few things are the end of the world.
  3. Use deep breathing and relaxation.By deliberately relaxing our muscles we begin to calm down so we can think clearly. If you practice this at first without a threat present, it can start to become automatic and will be easier to use in the moment when you face a threat. Deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system to put the brakes on sympathetic arousal.
  4. Become mindful of your own physical and mental reactions.The skill of mindfulness involves calmly observing our own reactions, including fear, without panic or feeling compelled to act. It can be taught in therapy and improves with practice.
  5. Accept fear and commit to living a life based on core values.Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach that encourages people to accept the inevitability of negative thoughts and feelings and not try to repress or control them. By directing attention away from the fear and back onto life tasks and valued goals, we can live a full life despite the fear.
  6. Exposure.Exposure is the most powerful technique for anxiety and it involves facing what we fear and staying in the situation long enough for the fear to habituate or go down, as it naturally does. Fear makes us avoid or run away, so our minds and bodies never learn that much of what we fear is not truly dangerous.

What are the different types of psychotherapy?

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This article was originally appeared in The Irish Times and can be found at http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/what-are-the-different-types-of-psychotherapy-1.2059236

What are the different types of psychotherapy?

Kate Holmquist

Last Updated: Thursday, January 8, 2015, 17:12

What are the different types of psychotherapy?
Most psychotherapists these days shy clear of labels and many combine various approaches. However, there are five “modalities” of psychotherapy within the Irish Council for Psychotherapy.

1. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy
Once the exclusive preserve of psychiatrists, this method has developed light years with the times, while still having its origins in Freud and Jung, focusing on memories of childhood experiences. Six organisations represent psychoanalytic psychotherapy in Ireland. Psychotherapy ireland.com/disciplines/ psychoanalytic-therapy/

2. Constructivist Psychotherapy
Every individual over time creates a story about themselves, the world around them and how they came to be who they are. This story allows them to anticipate or map out in their head how things will turn out. These maps can be unhelpful, especially if the person anticipates things turning out badly, so constructivism helps the client move towards a more informed and less negative view. See irishconstructivists.org.

3. Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy
Integrative therapists use a variety of accredited psychotherapy practises so that they have the flexibility to employ what might help the client most. The phrase “humanist psychotherapy” is what appeals to many people, as it is based on the individual’s inherent drive towards development and growth, with the view that every human being has a capacity for fulfilment. See iahip.org.

4. Couple and Family Therapy
With a reputation as the last stop before divorce, this approach when used earlier in the relationship can remind you why you fell in love and improve communication. It sees each individual as part of a system in which negative interactions with others can exacerbate an individual’s problems. For example, in a dysfunctional family system a particular family member may be “scapegoated” as the only individual with a problem – the depressive mother, the alcoholic father, the out-of-control teenager. Couple and family therapy takes a broader view of problems and seeks to improve relationships, while also taking account of the internal issues of each individual. Relationships Ireland offers couple and family therapy at low cost.

5. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
This is an active, problem-solving approach that can help alleviate depression and anxiety. The therapist and client share a journey towards understanding the relationship between the client’s feelings and behaviour. Changing thinking patterns can help sufferers of panic attacks, generalised anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic depression, who often respond well with CBT. The number of sessions required depends on the needs of the client and the extent to which they need to explore, with the therapist, the reasons for their distress. Make sure that your CBT professional has the full accreditation required, which you can find out by consulting the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, Psychological Society of Ireland or National Association of Cognitive Behavioural Therapists (NACBT).

A guide to finding the right therapist for you

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This article originally appeared in The Irish Times and can be found at http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/therapy-unlocked-a-guide-to-finding-the-right-therapist-for-you-1.2055346

Therapy unlocked: a guide to finding the right therapist for you

Kate Holmquist

Last Updated: Friday, January 9, 2015, 17:44

When you have reached that difficult moment of emotional crisis where you’ve decided to reach out to a psychology professional, you will probably look online. Cue confusion. You see bewildering lists of accreditation letters – ICP, IACP, PSI, IAHIP, FTAI to name a few – and you notice that there appear to be several methods – Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Constructivist Psychotherapy, Couple and Family Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Humanistic Integrative psychotherapy.

You may see the words “counselling” and “psychotherapy” and wonder what the difference is. With so many phone numbers and emails you could use, for the uninitiated it’s a bit like putting a pin in an online map and hoping that the person who answers will be kind to you.

This feels like a shot in the dark, and yet you’ve never been more vulnerable because things have got pretty stressful for you to be phoning a complete stranger. As the phone rings, you may visualise yourself reaching Gabriel Byrne’s Dr Paul Weston of In Treatment, or Dr Jennifer Melfi in the Sopranos, Frasier Crane or even Sigmund Freud himself, with his goatee and couch where you will lie for an hour trying to remember your dreams. Who knows?

Finding a therapist is not like finding a dentist. Your friends will always have lists of dentists, and GPs and personal trainers to call. People tend not to discuss their therapists with each other, partly due to a lingering stigma in Ireland and partly because of the deeply private nature of the problem you are trying to solve.

Today psychotherapy in Ireland has developed to a high standard, even though there is no formal State accreditation of psychotherapists. Still, says psychotherapist Brendan Madden, many people still suffer for four or five years before seeking out a therapist and they may be at the end of their tethers, with sleep problems, anxiety or anger issues.

Whatever the reason for considering therapy, there’s no question that people feel extremely vulnerable when they finally decide to make the leap. Can you ask a friend? It’s a good idea, but you may not want to share your friend’s psychotherapist. Your GP may have a psychotherapist or counselling psychologist working in the practice, which can be a good place to start.

Comfortable

Finding a therapist may not seem as straightforward as finding a GP, but it’s actually a good idea to follow the same route. Do you feel comfortable with the person? Have they listened to you on the phone? Are they friendly, clear and otherwise consumer-aware (as in, telling you what they charge)? Are they nearby?

“In the same way we choose a doctor, we should allow ourselves the option of shopping around until we find someone we have a good fit with,” advises Trish Murphy, psychotherapist and Irish Times agony aunt. “This is not always easy and many people choose to stay with the person they first meet and this often works out well.”

Psychotherapists are trained to relate to and treat people who are distressed. They work to alleviate personal suffering and encourage change.

“The therapeutic relationship is very important and you have to be able to trust your therapist,” says Yvonne Tone, a cognitive behavioural therapist, one of the five “modalities” accredited. “It’s about collaborating with the therapist, working in a shared way to understand the problem, such as depression or anxiety, that you want to address.”

But first you have to figure out what all those accreditation letters mean and what the various forms of therapy are. Don’t you? “You can’t say that one therapy is better than another – for example, while CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) has been shown to be effective, there’s no evidence that it is better than other types of therapy,” says Brendan Madden.

Madden practises solution-focused “brief therapy”, where the client is encouraged to become “a solution detective” and discover their own strengths and solutions to whatever problem they’re facing, empowered by the therapist.

Psychoanalysis, on the other hand, sees the path of self-discovery, in cooperation with the therapist, as an end in itself. “Psychoanalysis respects the individuality of each person,” says Jose Castilho, psychoanalyst and chair of the Irish Council for Psychotherapy.

“It’s not about helping the client to adapt to the world, but helping the individual to adapt to him or herself.”

While it may have a reputation for being the scenic route to wellbeing, since it’s not goal-oriented, psychoanalysis has changed over the years and can help people who are in crisis from a breakup or the loss of a job over a short space of time. Others may remain in “analysis” or other talk therapy for years because of the insights they gain.

The uninitiated may think that any therapist of whatever ilk has a gift of insight into their personality that will eventually be revealed like the third secret of Fatima. You are bound to be disappointed, because like the Wizard in Oz, the therapist hasn’t got the answers, only you do. But an effective therapist will help you figure it out.

“Therapy is not a healing ritual or practice performed by the therapist to cure psychological distress. Recovery and emotional healing comes from the strong therapeutic alliance built over time between therapist and client – and it’s really the client who does all the work,” says Madden. Trusting relationship Murphy agrees that establishing a trusting relationship is the key to the success of the therapy. “It’s the relationship between the client and the therapist, not the particular model of therapy, that is most important.”

In recent years, psychotherapy has moved towards shorter, solution-focused therapies that can help the client get through a rough patch or to make a difficult decision. Some therapies, however, can involve much more time. Where there is a serious issue with depression or anxiety, the therapy could take years to get to the source of the problem, says Dermod Moore, chair of the Irish Association of Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy (IAHIP).

What qualifications should a psychotherapist have? 
All psychotherapists should be accredited with a professional body that adheres to a code of ethics and has complaints procedures and standards of practice. Currently, the Irish Council for Psychotherapy (ICP) is the umbrella body for all psychotherapy in Ireland, representing more than 1,250 psychotherapists who have undergone in-depth training and are committed to the highest standards of professional conduct. Another professional body is the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Currently, the qualifications required for ICP is seven years’ training, four of those at post- graduate level dedicated specifically to psychotherapy. Many Irish psychotherapists hold the European Certificate for Psychotherapy which qualifies practitioners to work anywhere in Europe.

What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist or psychotherapistst?
The key difference is that a psychiatrist has been medically trained and holds a medical degree. The suffix “-iatry” means “medical treatment,” and “-logy” means “science” or “theory.” Psychiatry is the medical treatment of the psyche, and practitioners are therefore qualified to prescribe medication, while psychology is the science of the psyche.

A psychotherapist can be a psychiatrist, psychologist or other mental health professional, who has had further specialist training in psychotherapy which focuses on helping people to overcome stress, emotional and relationship problems or troublesome habits.

What will it cost?
Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on your income, so be forthright about what you can afford from the start. The cost varies depending on the psychotherapist but a regular fee is somewhere between €70-€120 per session . Less expensive therapy is available through training programmes or subsidised systems. Many psychotherapists offer a sliding scale for unemployed or retired people. Student therapists need to practise to become qualified, so you can see someone in a training programme for €50 per hour or less. The upside is that student therapists tend to be very enthusiastic, dedicated and well-supervised.

What should my therapist be like?
The therapist should empower you to feel more confident, not less. Empathy is his or her most important quality. Trust your gut instinct about whether this particular therapist is right for you. “Keep it simple and don’t be blinded by jargon. It’s the therapeutic relationship that counts – you have to have a sense that the therapist will listen, understand and work with you towards your goal,” says Madden. If you don’t feel it’s good for you or not what you agreed, then don’t be afraid to find another therapist that’s a better fit for you.

How often do I need to see the psychotherapist?
Usually the first session is used to see if there is a fit between the therapist and client and to agree what the need is about the number of sessions. The average is probably about 8 weekly sessions. Some psychotherapists work on a twice-weekly basis; these would be in the minority.

Are all therapists neurotic?
To train as a therapist, you do need to have therapy and sort out your own issues. However, it’s fair to say that there is a tendency for people to be drawn to psychotherapeutic training to sort out their own problems, which probably leads to a higher proportion of neurosis and issues among therapists than among the general population. But that’s usually a good thing because the therapist has probably developed a good deal of compassion and understanding on their journey to mental wellbeing and personal growth.

I’m still not sure. Why do I need a psychotherapist rather than a friend who is a good listener?
A psychotherapist will help to unravel the tangles of the issue and help to clarify what the problem is and what can be dealt with at what time. “Psychotherapy is a safe place to explore and discuss the most difficult of things, even those that are hidden,” advises Trish Murphy.

When should I seek a therapist?
“When you are troubled, suffering, shocked, grieved, floundering and unable to reach decisions,” advises Trish Murphy. “When a relationship – at home, at work or elsewhere – is in trouble is another appropriate time. A critical event might be an ideal time to source help: loss, death, accident, injury, change of country/job, rape, hurt and so on.”

How do I know it’s working?
Generally, how things are working out early on in therapy is predictive of how things will turn out. “You should feel change and notice progress fairly early in the therapy process, over a matter of weeks rather than months,” says Madden. “By six to 10 sessions there should be some early change.”

There’s sometimes a notion that you have to get worse before you get better. Madden disagrees: “If it’s getting worse, something isn’t effective. You should be feeling more hopeful after six to 10 weeks and start to feel better. If not, discuss this with your therapist and consider doing something different .”

How will I know if it’s not working?
From the start, the psychotherapist should be professional and organised and give clear, reassuring answers about their qualifications and experience. The time, date, fee and location of the appointments should be fixed and agreed. The psychotherapist should be empathetic and always put the client’s needs first (for clients at risk of self-harm or abuse, safety needs come first). All psychotherapists are guided by their association’s code of ethics that guide practice and meeting client expectations. If clients are not making progress, therapists are obliged to listen to their feedback, change the direction or focus of therapy, or make a referral onwards.You should feel listened to and heard – that is the core of empathy, a necessary condition for change. With the exception of classical psychoanalysis, the client shouldn’t be expected to do all the talking. The therapist should take turns to summarise, paraphrase and clarify what the client is saying.

Are there cases where a couples therapist is better?
Where there are difficulties in an intimate relationship, there is often a case for seeing a couples therapist. Where someone is undergoing personal therapy for depression, for example, and relationship issues arise, this does not necessarily mean leaving the individual therapist. Where both parties are willing, the therapist might seek to work specifically with them on couple issues for a period of time, which can be enormously helpful for both the individual’s depression and the couple relationship. Familytherapyireland. com is the professional body for couple and family therapists.

Many family therapists work with people on an individual, couple and family level. Other therapists offering couple therapy would be expected to have additional training or experience in this area.

When I was 21, I wish that I had known

Meaning, Mindfulness, Positive Thinking, Skills 0 Comments

• That ‘no’ is just somebody’s opinion, and frequently uttered from a frightened and narrow mind.
• To trust my instincts more – it would certainly have saved me a great deal of bother and heartache.
• To always be grateful for what you have even when you are feeling at your lowest ebb, there is always something to be thankful for, be it food in your belly or a hot shower and that place is a great point to start the day.
• To commit more poems to memory — while you still have one.
• That a kind word or deed never goes astray.
• To make random acts of kindness a lifelong habit.
• That when you meet three gobshites in a day you are the gobshite.
• That the only person you can change is yourself, that you are the cause and solution to every problem.
• That when you lose your temper you rob yourself of the opportunity of being right
• That it’s important to thank people who have come into your life and made an impact, be it a kind word or a note of encouragement, they need to know.
• Put a price on yourself because no one else will.
• To bend with the branch that bends with you and surround yourself only with people and things that nourish you.
• That when your hand is in the dog, pull slowly.
• That the graveyards are full of people who thought they were indispensable.
• To thine own self be true. You might as well — because everyone else is taken.
• That honesty without sensitivity is barbarity. Sentimentality isn’t truthful, it is the language of gangsters.
• You can’t fill a spiritual hole with material things.
• You should always be teachable.
• What’s for you won’t go by you. Start where you are. Use what you’ve got. Do what you can.
• When you strive to become better than you are, everything around you becomes better too.
• If you can’t remember any of the above just be kind it’s what makes the world go round.
But then again you can’t put an old head on young shoulders.

http://www.independent.ie/lifestyle/health/lisa-dwan-when-i-was-21-i-wish-that-i-had-known-30532826.html

What Can We Learn from Comedian Robin Williams’ Suicide? Perils of depression and substance abuse

Addiction, Anxiety, Bereavement, Conflict, Grief, Loss, Meaning, Mindfulness, Panic, Positive Thinking, Suicide, Support 0 Comments

[This is a re-posting of an article was published on August 11, 2014 by Bill Knaus, Ed.D. in Science and Sensibility http://www.psychologytoday.com/sites/all/themes/pt_www/images/logo.gif]

The original post can be found at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-and-sensibility/201408/what-can-we-learn-comedian-robin-williams-suicide]

Comedian and actor Robin Williams died on August 11, 2014. According to local law enforcement authorities, he probably died by suicide.

Williams had it all: a rare talent, a great career, family, friends. However, talent, wealth, fame, family, and friends can mean nothing when you suffer from an acute, deep depression, and believe you have no way out. Indeed, you may believe that others will be better off without you.

When depression crashes down, escaping this dulling, toxic pain may be all you can think about doing. Some in depressive pain often want to end the pain, but not necessarily themselves. However, death may seem like the only way out, especially when they believe they can no longer endure what they feel. Some end themselves to end the pain.

Was this how it was for actor Williams’ death was tragic. It was needless. What can we learn?  Suicide is a belief-related death. What if the belief is wrong? Depression is not terminal. Suicide is.

Stigmatizing Is Senseless

There should be no stigma for depression. The ancient Egyptians and Greeks saw this condition as a correctable affliction. Both cultures reportedly showed tolerance. Today, enlightened people view depression in much the same way.

What Elevates Suicidal Risk?

People who knew Robin Williams reported that he had sunk into depression just prior to ending his life. If this is so, I can only guess what was going on at the decision point when he ended his life. I believe he felt great emotional pain. I suspect that in his mind, he saw no way out. In this sense, depression warps reality. However, something else may have affected his judgment.

We know that along with depression, Robin Williams had periodic drug and alcohol abuse problems and had tried many times to kick his habits. Both depression and substance abuse may have been bidirectional:drugs to smother depression, alcohol and drugs as an accelerant for depression. We don’t know if Robin William was involved with drugs and alcohol at this time. Nevertheless, this combination is a high risk factor for suicide.

Substance abuse is a risk factor among depressed people who commit suicide. Ruminative and negative self-criticism is another. Fleeing from pain is another.

Some think that by dealing with substance abuse, depression will take care of itself. Depression, negative self-criticism, and trying to smother depressive pain with drugs or alcohol are addressable simultaneously. In fact, they would best be addressed simultaneously in a professional setting.

We Need to Take Suicidal Thinking Seriously

The suicide rate among the general population is about 10-12 per 100,000, or .00011 percent. (These numbers vary by study and country.) Among those who are significantly depressed, the suicide rate can be as high as 2 percent. People hospitalized for depression are at higher risk.

Suicide is a highly preventable cause of death. For example, effectively addressing hopeless and helplessness thinking is a promising path to suicide prevention.

Depressions Are Not Alike

Not all depressions are alike. Some occur for visible cause: You have a painful and unwanted divorce. Some are mild: You limp through the day and eventually depression lifts. Some depressions are predictably unpredictable. When they come, they are consuming.

When pessimism is pervasive, you may think it is impossible to break free. However, this inflexible form of thinking doesn’t mean that depression is eternal. You may think it is, but what you think reflects how you temporarily feel.

Depression often has a visible trigger: a loss, a series of setbacks. However, it may reflect the result of a gnawing, pressured perfectionismwhere you believe you can’t do things right, pressure yourself to do better, and overwhelm yourself trying to do what can’t be done. This pressured approach to life can negatively affect your self-esteem.

Anxiety precedes depression about 60 percent of the time. Depression precedes anxiety about 18 percent of the time. By addressing anxiety, you can reduce your risk of depression. (Perfectionism is a common trigger for anxiety.)

Sometimes depression comes unexpectedly. In The Bell Jar, poet Sylvia Plath described her depression as descending upon her like a bell jar over a candle. The jar descended even when her life was going well.

All depressions are serious. Some are more disabling. All merit addressing.

What Can We Learn from Robin Williams’ Tragedy?

If you, or someone you know, find yourself in a vicious circle of going in and out of depression, and in and out of abusing addictive substances, you don’t have to stay stuck in the pattern. There are ways off this not so merry go round.

Changing how you think about depression is one. For example, accept depression as you would mononucleosis, and you are likely to avoid secondary symptoms, such as feeling depressed over feeling depressed. However, unlike mono, you can act to speed your recovery through refusing to accept depressive thinking as valid, viewing depression as transitory, and engaging yourself in constructive change activities. This is admittedly challenging to do when you lack energy and find it challenging to start. However, consider the alternative of focusing on how bad you feel and telling yourself that you can do nothing to change.

Vague overgeneralizations commonly accompany a depressed mood. You may think that you have no future, or you are a failure. (You wouldn’t be thinking this way if you were in a good mood.) This form of generalized thinking can both reflect and amplify depression. I call it abstract upset. (You can better deal with specific events than abstract upset.)

Clarifying abstract upset can help demystify the extra depressive distress that accompanies this thinking. For example, what does having no future mean? By getting specific with yourself, you can take targeted actions to relieve yourself of this excessive burden.

If you view yourself as a total failure, because you make a mistake, this doesn’t mean that that you’ll continue to make the same mistake. If you find yourself in this trap, use the where’s the evidence intervention: “Where is the evidence that I cannot improve and will continue making the same mistake?” Well, where’s the evidence?

Activity is a remedy for depression, and this includes the activity of examining your thinking or the act of allowing yourself to let the thoughts fade in their own time. By actively working to disrupt negative thinking, you can gain relief from depression.

People differ enormously in the conditions that trigger depression, vulnerability for depression, beliefs about depression, and tolerance for the emotional pain, physical symptoms, and social issues that commonly accompany a depressed mood. The majority who suffer from depression learn to override depression, or learn to live with a melancholic state of mind and body, and suffer less.

Psychological methods, used to reduce depression and prevent relapses, include cognitive behavior therapy, cognitive therapy, interpersonal therapy, and manualized therapies written by licensed experts and based on empirically-validated methods.

If you feel seriously depressed, and have a plan for ending your life, get help, pause. Buy yourself time to learn and use antidepression methods, and then pass them on to others.

When you can think of nothing else to do, call 911.

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Robert Mooney MIACP: (087) 281 7385
Liz Buckley MIACP: (086) 256 0996
Noel Sweeney MIACP (085) 248 1353
Cheryl Cox NAPCP (086) 847 9876