October 23, 2018

This Is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much

Robert Conflict, Loss, Support, Uncategorized 0 Comments

… and why it says nothing about your worthiness for love.

The opposite of love isn’t hate; it is indifference. Ghosting, for those of you who haven’t yet experienced it, is having someone that you believe cares about you, whether it be a friend or someone you are dating, disappear from contact without any explanation at all. No phone call or email, not even a text. Ghosting isn’t new—people have long done disappearing acts—but years ago this kind of behavior was considered limited to a certain type of scoundrel. In today’s dating culture being ghosted is a phenomenon that approximately 50 percent of men and women have experienced—and an almost equal number have done the ghosting.1 Despite ghosting’s commonality, the emotional effects can be devastating, and particularly damaging to those who already have fragile self-esteem.

Why do people ghost?

People who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of social connections to people who are met online also means there are less social consequences to dropping out of someone’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become desensitized to it and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.

“I didn’t understand exactly how I actually felt at the time, so instead of trying to talk it out, I ghosted.” 2

“I used to disappear when it was all I thought it was [a fling], or I got scared of finding what I wanted…Or some kind of fear factor from a past relationship kicks in.” 2

“Looking through the lens of a coward, passive withdrawal from dating seems like the easiest and nicest route…until it’s done to you.” 3

“I kind of think that it’s part of what makes the online dating scene so appealing. Since you don’t have friends in common or weren’t introduced through some other channel, it’s not the end of the world if you just drop off the face of the earth.” 4

“I, for one, consider myself to be an honest and straightforward person. And yet I’ve ghosted…And I’ve told myself, time and time again, that it’s all the fault of the toxic dating culture we’ve created. And at the end of the day, I think that’s what we’re all telling ourselves.” 5

How does it feel to be ghosted?

For many people ghosting can result in feelings of being disrespected, used and disposable. If you have known the person beyond more than a few dates then it can be even more traumatic. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.

“I felt like an idiot. Like I had been played a fool. And more so I felt disrespected. Take the romantics away, to have a great connection with a new friend and then all of a sudden never hear from them again? That’s painful and really disappointing. No one deserves to be blown off.” 6

“It still felt a bit like someone had punched me in the gut when it happened. The disregard is insulting. The lack of closure is maddening. You move on, but not before your self-esteem takes a hit. The only thing worse than being broken up with is realizing that someone didn’t even consider you worth breaking up with.” 7

“Going from texting every day and seeing each other a couple times a week to nothing without the slightest hint of why was a kick in the gut.” 8

“Ghosting is one of the cruelest forms of torture dating can serve up.” 9

Why does it feel so bad?

Social rejection activates the same pain pathways in the brain as physical pain.10 In fact, you can reduce the emotional pain of rejection with a pain medication like Tylenol.11 But in addition to this biological link between rejection and pain, there are some specific factors about ghosting that contribute to the psychological distress.

Ghosting gives you no cue for how to react. It creates the ultimate scenario of ambiguity. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you at any moment. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened. Staying connected to others is so important to our survival that our brain has evolved to have a social monitoring system (SMS) that monitors the environment for cues so that we know how to respond in social situations.12 Social cues allow us to regulate our own behavior accordingly, but ghosting deprives you of these usual cues and can create a sense of emotional dysregulation where you feel out of control.

One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem. When a rejection occurs your self-esteem can drop which social psychologists propose is meant to be a signal that your social belonging is low.13 If you have been through multiple ghostings or if your self-esteem is already low you are likely to experience the rejection as even more painful, and it may take you longer to get over it as people with lower-self-esteem have less natural opioid (pain-killer) released into the brain after a rejection when compared to those whose self-esteem is higher.14

Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty.15It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the experience. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard, which is important for maintaining your self-esteem.

Regardless of the ghoster’s intent, ghosting is a passive-aggressiveinterpersonal tactic that can leave psychological bruises and scars.

How do you move forward?

The important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worthiness for love and everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he/she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don’t understand the impact of their behavior or worse don’t care. In any case they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him/her go peacefully.

Don’t allow someone else’s bad behavior to rob you of a better future by losing your vulnerability and shutting yourself off from another relationship. Keep your energy focused on doing what makes you happy. Know that if you are someone who treats people with respect and integrity then the ghoster simply wasn’t on your wavelength and someone better is coming your way, as long as you keep your heart open and your focus forward.

References

1. http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/advice/a12787/girls-ghos…

2. http://www.chicagonow.com/accidentally-sexy/2015/03/ghosting-three-guys-…

3. http://goodguyswag.com/ghosting-when-a-nice-guy-is-too-scared-to-say-no/

4. http://www.vice.com/read/i-asked-men-why-they-ghosted-me-511

5. http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/08/why-good-people-ghost-how…

6. http://www.therefinedwoman.com/ghosting-so-thats-like-a-thing-now/

7. http://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2015/08/why-good-people-ghost-how…

8. http://www.gq.com/story/the-reason-you-just-got-ghosted

9. http://goodguyswag.com/ghosting-when-a-nice-guy-is-too-scared-to-say-no/

10. Krossa, E., Bermana, M., Mischelb, W., Edward E. Smith, and Wager, T. 2011. Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS), 108 (15), p. 6270–6275, doi: 10.1073/pnas.1102693108.

11. DeWall, C., et al. 2010. Acetaminophen Reduces Social Pain: Behavioral and Neural Evidence. Psychological Sciences, 21 (7), p. 931 -7

12. Cynthia L. Pickett, C., Gardner, W., and Knowles, M. 2004. Getting a Cue: The Need to Belong and Enhanced Sensitivity to Social Cues. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 30 (9), p. 1095-1107.

13. Leary, M. R.,Haupt, A. L., Strausser, K. S., & Chokel, J. T. 1998. Calibrating the sociometer: The relationship between interpersonal appraisals and state self-esteem. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, p.1290-1299.

14. Hsu, D. et al. 2013. Response of the μ-opioid system to social rejection and acceptance. Molecular Psychiatry, 18, p. 1211–1217.

15. Williams, C., Richardson, D. Hammock, G., Janit, S. 2012. Perceptions of physical and psychological aggression in close relationships: A review. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 17, (6), p. 489–494.

Source: New World Library

Dr. Jennice Vilhauer is the director of the Outpatient Psychotherapy Treatment Program at Emory Healthcare, the developer of Future Directed Therapy, and the author of Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind’s Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life.

www.futuredirectedtherapy.com

Original Post Posted Nov 27, 2015:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

June 21, 2018

Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.

Robert Anxiety, Bereavement, Conflict, Family, Meaning, Mindfulness, Panic, Positive Thinking, Suicide, Support 0 Comments

[Original article can be found here: https://www.unk.com/blog/3-ways-to-help-your-clients-control-their-emotions/]

Plant the seed of self-mastery in your client’s mind and watch them grow

Let me share with you a therapy tale I told to an angry, bitter, guilty client:

Once there lived an old man who kept all different kinds of animals. But his grandson was particularly intrigued by two tigers that lived together in one cage.

The tigers had very different temperaments. One was calm and self-controlled while the other was unpredictable, aggressive, violent, vicious, and prone to despondency.

“Do they ever fight, Grandfather?” asked the young boy.

“Occasionally, yes they do”, admitted the old man.

“And which one wins?”

“Well, that depends on which one I feed the most.”

I told this to Paul while he relaxed deep within trance. He’d pitifully described how he’d always mull over “all the stuff everyone had ever done wrong” to him. And then all the ways he’d “hurt others”. Hardly a recipe for happiness.

Paul liked, really liked, this story. In a way, it marked the beginning of his own story.

A Brave New World

A week later Paul emailed me. The subject line proclaimed, “No more rolling in the muck.” What could this mean?

He told me how, after our session, he’d entered a second-hand bookstore, picked up an old book at random and read the words:

“Chronic remorse … is a most undesirable sentiment. If you have behaved badly, repent, make what amends you can and address yourself to the task of behaving better next time. On no account brood over your wrongdoing. Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean.”⁽¹⁾

That last line really struck and stuck. When a client is open to it, the best therapist can be life itself.

Paul told me he wanted to “get clean”, to not wallow in or succumb to his own uncontrolled feelings. He wrote that he finally felt this might be possible for him and was looking forward to more therapy. He understood now that continually ruminating and emoting did little good. It only made him feel whipped up.

It was a new idea for Paul, that he could in some ways master himself. He’d always felt he had to put up with the vagaries of his own powerful feelings, to be enslaved to their whims with no choice but to follow where they led.

But this self-control idea was now growing within him. A seed long buried under the hard, cold ground finally finding its way towards the light.

When uncontrolled emotion runs wild despair, anger, violence, jealousy and addiction can sweep us before them, dictating the course of our lives, whipping the backs of our intent, cracking apart our relationships and ripping our dreams apart at the seams.

When feelings run rampant they can destroy the person who is controlled by them (and that need not necessarily be the person who has the emotion).

When feelings run rampant they can destroy the person who is controlled by them

But it’s surprising how many clients feel hopeless, unable to grasp the possibility of taking the reins of their own feelings. As I’ll describe in a moment, believing you can is half the battle.

First off though, what do we mean by controlling emotion?

How valid is the feeling?

Controlling emotion doesn’t have to mean suppressing emotion. If we never take account of our own feelings we can lead unfulfilled lives leaden with suppressed, unpursued dreams.

To be true to ourselves we need to think of our feelings as advisors, not as deranged, bellowing autocrats dictating our every move. But for some of us, getting to that point is an epic battle. We have to face down, outwit, and learn to dominate the ogres and giants, witches and warlocks of our own feelings.

An emotional response may or may not be valid. A child has to learn that screaming and kicking because he dropped his ice cream on the floor is not a valid way to emote. We have all (well, most of us) learned to control our instincts, or at least their effects. But it used to be assumed that we were somehow damaging ourselves if we didn’t let our feelings out.

How many times have you heard the old adage, “It’s healthier to let it out! Don’t suppress it!” Many therapists became wedded to the idea of catharsis, perhaps not understanding the way repetitive Hebbian Learning in the brain can reinforce negative feelings – the more we feel them, the more we learn to feel them, and the more likely we are to feel them.

The bias towards validating and encouraging the expression of every feeling persists even today.

I recall a psychologist explaining the error in this approach like this:

“Where has the feeling gone?”

A therapy student suggested that surely it was better to always emote, to “feel the full force of your feelings and express those feelings”, and that therapy should always encourage this in clients.

My psychologist friend replied:

“Clench your fist. Now feel all the tension and strain, even discomfort, of that clenched fist. Squeeze it tighter… and tighter…

“Now gradually unfurl that fist… and let it relax. That feels better, doesn’t it? But here’s a question.

“The tension and strain you felt a moment ago in your hand – has that been suppressed? Has it been repressed? Is it now underlying? Or is it just a potential state that has evaporated? A state of tension you can control?”⁽²⁾

Controlling emotion (when we need to) doesn’t mean not acting on the emotion (although often that is a good idea). It means actually changing the emotion, to allow us to lead a happier and more comfortable life. When you are not feeling sad, the sadness isn’t underlying: it’s gone. It sounds almost too obvious to say it, but emotion is what we feel in the moment.

I’ve often heard people say things like, “It’s healthy to express your pent-up emotions, to ‘let off steam’.” And, certainly, it can feel better sometimes. But there are problems with this old idea.

When mind metaphors are taken literally

First off, there’s no evidence that expressing emotion is always healthier. Before technology began to allow us to scan the brain directly, much of psychology was based on metaphor.

For example, it’s been noted by such writers as Frank Tallis (The History of Psychotherapy, Hidden Minds) and Robert Ornstein (The Right Mind, The Evolution of Consciousness, The Healing Brain) that psychological doctrine has often tried to align itself with current technological sophistication, perhaps partly in an attempt to appear more scientific.

So, for example, during the 19th century hydraulic technology was all the rage – and the metaphor for the mind followed suit. People talked, and still talk, of ‘running out of steam’, ‘letting off steam’ and ‘releasing pent-up emotion’. Much experimental therapy (particularly in California during the 1970s) used the hydraulic metaphor, on the belief that to truly ‘grow’ a person had to ‘let it all out’.⁽³⁾

But recent physical tests of cardiac and immune function show that releasing extreme anger is no less damaging to the main arteries than keeping it in. Ideally, we want to avoid either. It’s much better to control the anger, to diminish it.⁽⁴⁾⁽⁵⁾

The metaphor of depth has also been applied to emotion. People often refer to an emotional issue as being ‘deeply rooted’, with the implication that trying to help someone deal with their emotional response may somehow be superficial. “Ah, but are you dealing with the ‘root of the problem’?”

But if we look at human emotional suffering, often the ‘root of the problem’ is the emotion itself.⁽⁶⁾ Certainly we practitioners should know how to help unhook the past emotional conditioning that may have led to the current emotional patterns, but sometimes the best way to do that is to help clients calm their current emotions.

When dealing with clients’ feelings we need to see directly, not be blindsided by old technological or gardening metaphors. Rough approximations can lead to dangerously rigid assumptions as to how to help people.

As always, we need to remember that all our clients have basic primal emotional needs, and we as practitioners need to be clear about that.

Helping them control their troublesome emotional responses will help them feel more in control, safer and more secure, leaving them better placed to meet their emotional needs. And it works both ways. So too, meeting their emotional needs will help them achieve better emotional self-control.

So how can we help our clients control their emotions, other than by helping them meet their vital emotional needs in life?

1. Help them realize they can captain their own ship

For Paul it was an epiphany, a warm and welcome wave of encouragement from the future.

If your client is prone to mood swings, ask them how much influence they feel they have over their moods. They may not have even thought about this before.

Mind you, they may already have been diagnosed as bipolar, as Paul had. Once diagnosed, clients may feel trapped by the diagnosis, as if they’ve been slapped with a label that can never be unpeeled.

For Paul, the diagnosis had led him to believe there was nothing he could do about his wayward emotionality. Some therapists fall prey to the mania for diagnosing people, especially as bipolar. But handing out a diagnosis, satisfying as it may feel at the time, can actually make clients feel less in control of their lives.

Questions such as these can be really useful:

“What do you do to change your mood when you start feeling down?”
“What ways do you have of going from angry to calm?”

If your client tells you they do have a strategy for changing their emotional state, you could work on that to build on their personal resources.

If they look blank and tell you they can’t control their feelings, you can begin to help show them that, in fact, they can. This is a great idea, and here’s why:

Evidence shows that believing you can change a negative mood makes you much more able to start doing so.⁽⁶⁾ It’s hardly surprising, but still interesting to know that psychologists have found such a strong correlation between belief and ability when it comes to overcoming bad moods.

So describing to clients how people can and do learn to control their emotional states may be a valuable first step, especially if they have been officially branded with some psychiatric label or other.

Paul had genuinely assumed he was under the complete control of his emotions and would have to suffer his whole life. He felt therapy might change that a little, but he believed he would be reliant on therapy – and medication – for life! His epiphany that he could master his own feelings enough to give him a happier, more stable life was the first step to actually getting there.

2. Help your client look ahead (and back) in new ways

I recall an old Zen master saying, “Your anger, depression, spite, or despair, so seemingly real and important right now; where will they have gone in a month, a week, or even a moment?”

Intense negative emotions blind us to the future and con us into believing that now is all that matters. They can possess us, taking such a stranglehold that we become capable of doing terrible things to ourselves and others.

When we are angry or sad or in the thrall of addiction it’s hard to imagine reality can be any other way. In fact, when we are incredibly angry or anxious, we can momentarily forget that there is even going to be a future.

Depressed people might tell you they “don’t see a future”, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Strong emotion makes us look through its – and only its – perspective, just like any biased propaganda. And propaganda, of course, always aims to raise the emotional temperature.

Depressed people find it hard to imagine not being depressed,⁽⁷⁾ and therefore may conclude they have always been depressed, and always will be. Our job is to reconnect people to their resources so they can begin to use them for themselves.

We can help our clients build up a picture of not being depressed (if depression is the particular feeling they have been finding hard to influence and diminish) and also access resourceful non-depressed times, which can also be hard for depressed people to do⁽⁸⁾ – unless they are taught to do it.

I taught Paul to hypnotically drift in and out of an ‘anger trance’ so that he could start to see the bigger picture even when he was in it. It began to control him less.

I also taught him to reframe memories of times he’d been angry or hurt by having him recall them in a deeply relaxed state of mind and body, and observe the bigger picture, such as non-emotional details of the memory: the context, not the feelings.

This has been shown to take the sting out of memories and help prevent automatic emotional associations from firing off (faulty pattern matching).⁽⁹⁾

3. Encourage your client to get to know themselves

We can all kid ourselves a little… or a lot. “No, I’m really pleased for you! I really am!” Arghhhhhhhh!

Only when we can honestly see and know our emotional fluctuations can we begin to influence them. So we can ask our clients to observe their own attitudes and emotional ebbs and flows. One key first step to emotional control is to know when we are actually being emotional, and also why: the triggers.

Controlling emotions isn’t about pretending they aren’t there. If your client catches themselves feeling unexpectedly strongly about something, they can ask themselves why and report back to you.

Whether your client feels jealous, angry, sad, bitter, or ashamed, they can label that feeling with no judgement: “Okay, I don’t like that I’m feeling this way, but I’m feeling very envious!” They can note down their feelings, and also the context around those feelings.

This gives you and them great material to work with. It also helps them get to know themselves better and increase self-objectivity by using the Observing Self.

The next step is to identify why they feel the way you do: “I hate to admit it, but I’m feeling envious of Bob because he’s just been complimented for his work and I haven’t!” Being able to exercise this self-honesty means your clients won’t have to resort to what a large proportion of the human race do. They won’t have to rationalize.

We rationalize by kidding ourselves, for example, that we are angry with someone not because they got a raise at work and we didn’t, but because of their attitude towards us, or some other made-up reason. Or we rationalize by denying we are even angry (or whatever the feeling is). This kind of rationalization is a recipe for discontent.

On the other hand, knowing what emotion you are feeling and being man or woman enough to identify the truth as to why you are feeling it brings you that much closer to doing something about it.

I will often ask my clients to do one week of this self-observation, using it only when they become aware of what seems to be an emotional overreaction within themselves. Our clients don’t need to be constantly navel gazing or to lose perspective on other aspects of life, but they do need to be able to observe their own emotional responses when it matters.

In a sense, any therapist and many coaches will be useful only insofar as they can help clients manage and control their emotions and help them build and to connect to their resources.

These are just three broad ways to help us help our clients control and manage their emotions. To recap:

Let them know it’s possible to change their moods and influence their own feelings, because believing you can change your mood makes it more likely you will.
Help your client learn to step outside of the emotional trance at will and instantly realize the consequences of anger, rise outside of the depression, transcend the emotion through hypnotic techniques, or whatever the case may be. Remember, emotion is hypnotic because it narrows focus and often involves the imagination.
Reframe past difficult memories and encourage your client to observe their own reactions so they get to know and see how their emotionality works. This is the first step to mastering, or at least gaining more control over, their troublesome feelings.

Paul told me both his tigers were now much tamer, but he could still be intense and spontaneous in a good way. He’s never forgotten that story, and he and his wife will be forever grateful for it.

As I said to Paul: “You are the keeper of your emotions, not the slave.”

For some clients with particularly traumatic past emotional conditioning, the Rewind Technique can be helpful. Read more about our online Rewind Technique course here and sign up to be notified when it’s next open for booking.

About Mark Tyrrell

Psychology is my passion. I’ve been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses.

You can get my book FREE when you subscribe to my therapy techniques newsletter. Click here to subscribe free now.

Notes:

From the introduction to Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.
The psychologist was Joseph Griffin, and he was responding to a woman in a workshop who had suggested that it was unhealthy to ever try to deny an emotional response. He went on to say that clenching your fist whilst pretending to yourself you were not clenching it would not be particularly healthy.
When electricity was the technology du jour, people talked of ‘recharging your batteries’ and ‘being run down’. Psychiatrists at the Tavistock clinic in London routinely electrocuted British survivors of the World War I trench warfare in an attempt to restore their energy levels, and ECT electric shock treatment gained popularity. Ironically, electrical psychiatry killed some survivors of the Somme! Nowadays we might talk in computational terms, suggesting that people need to ‘process’ an issue or that they have ‘crashed’.
http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0735109708041259?via=sd
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20045413
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00223891.1990.9674019
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/310503067_Can_depressed_and_non-depressed_people_put_themselves_in_each_other%27s_shoes?channel=doi&linkId=5830691b08ae004f74c0ef8f&showFulltext=true
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/02/130225122047.htm
https://academic.oup.com/scan/article-lookup/doi/10.1093/scan/nsu039

February 6, 2018

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Robert Uncategorized 0 Comments

This article originally appeared in Psychology Today on Jan 22nd 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting-in-relationships

11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting in Relationships

Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used to gain power. And it works too well.

Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much better than you may think. Anyone is susceptible to gaslighting, and it is a common technique of abusers, dictators, narcissists, and cult leaders. It is done slowly, so the victim doesn’t realize how much they’ve been brainwashed. For example, in the movie Gaslight (1944), a man manipulates his wife to the point where she thinks she is losing her mind.

People who gaslight typically use the following techniques:

They tell blatant lies.

You know it’s an outright lie. Yet they are telling you this lie with a straight face. Why are they so blatant? Because they’re setting up a precedent. Once they tell you a huge lie, you’re not sure if anything they say is true. Keeping you unsteady and off-kilter is the goal.

They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

You know they said they would do something; you know you heard it. But they out and out deny it. It makes you start questioning your reality—maybe they never said that thing. And the more they do this, the more you question your reality and start accepting theirs.

They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

They know how important your kids are to you, and they know how important your identityis to you. So those may be one of the first things they attack. If you have kids, they tell you that you should not have had those children. They will tell you’d be a worthy person if only you didn’t have a long list of negative traits. They attack the foundation of your being.

They wear you down over time.

This is one of the insidious things about gaslighting—it is done gradually, over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often…and then it starts ramping up. Even the brightest, most self-aware people can be sucked into gaslighting—it is that effective. It’s the “frog in the frying pan” analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what’s happening to it.

Their actions do not match their words.

When dealing with a person or entity that gaslights, look at what they are doing rather than what they are saying. What they are saying means nothing; it is just talk. What they are doing is the issue.

They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

This person or entity that is cutting you down, telling you that you don’t have value, is now praising you for something you did. This adds an additional sense of uneasiness. You think, “Well maybe they aren’t so bad.” Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. Also look at what you were praised for; it is probably something that served the gaslighter.

They know confusion weakens people.

Gaslighters know that people like having a sense of stability and normalcy. Their goal is to uproot this and make you constantly question everything. And humans’ natural tendency is to look to the person or entity that will help you feel more stable—and that happens to be the gaslighter.

They project.

They are a drug user or a cheater, yet they are constantly accusing you of that. This is done so often that you start trying to defend yourself, and are distracted from the gaslighter’s own behavior.

They try to align people against you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them no matter what—and they use these people against you. They will make comments such as, “This person knows that you’re not right,” or “This person knows you’re useless too.” Keep in mind it does not mean that these people actually said these things. A gaslighter is a constant liar. When the gaslighter uses this tactic it makes you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to—and that leads you right back to the gaslighter. And that’s exactly what they want: Isolation gives them more control.

They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it’s dismissive. The gaslighter knows if they question your sanity, people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive or out-of-control. It’s a master technique.

They tell you everyone else is a liar.

By telling you that everyone else (your family, the media) is a liar, it again makes you question your reality. You’ve never known someone with the audacity to do this, so they must be telling the truth, right? No. It’s a manipulation technique. It makes people turn to the gaslighter for the “correct” information—which isn’t correct information at all.

The more you are aware of these techniques, the quicker you can identify them and avoid falling into the gaslighter’s trap.

May 22, 2017

Interesting article on the physiology of Panic Attacks

Robert Uncategorized 0 Comments

“Oh God, I’m shaking, I feel sick!” (the physiology of fight or flight / panic attacks)

Evolution produced us: today’s fabulous human beings. But… there are a few design flaws. And some primitive responses we’ve been saddled with that often do more harm than good these days. But we can learn to understand and control them with CBT…

What is ‘fight or flight’? When we perceive a threat, our bodies go into ‘fight or flight’ mode in an instant – this physical response was developed during evolution to help us survive the sabre-toothed tiger, or that troublemaker that was trying to oust us from the tribe, or indeed anything that threatened our survival.

“Fight or flight is an instant pumping up of our bodies (with a series of physiological changes) that better equips us to fight hard or run fast from ‘danger’ – it prepares us for extreme physical action in an instant.”

Here are a couple of examples that will explain the immediacy and effects of fight or flight:-

You walk over to your lovely bowl of fruit. Reach in, and… ‘OH! a big SPIDER! EEK’. The natural reaction is to jump back – our bodies instantly revving into fight or flight, our hearts thump, our stomachs tighten into a knot etc. But within a few moments, we (well most of us) realise there is no extreme danger here – and our bodies return to a natural balance very quickly.
You’re in bed. You’re woken by a crash sound somewhere in your home. A BURGLAR?! You are instantly alert – you spring up, tilt your head back, eyes focussing in the middle distance for danger, ears straining to hear what’s going on, your heart pumping and lungs expanding to take more oxygen, heat rising in your body, ready to take whatever action is required (this can include ‘freezing’ which protected us from notice of predators etc)… then your flatmate shouts in ‘sorry, only me, I dropped a plate’. Deep sigh as your body returns to balance…

Those are examples of real practical problems that would benefit from fight or flight… after all, if you had to deal with a giant tarantula or a violent intruder, you would make good use of your body in its prepped and revved up state. And in both instances, within a very short time, we realise there has been a mistake in processing the event, and our body returns to balance (homeostasis) quickly. But – many of us fight ‘invisible tigers’ constantly – perceiving dangers and threats and sabre toothed tigers everywhere, which brings on flight or flight even when there is no real danger present.

Stress triggers that cause uncomfortable fight or flight symptoms are different for everybody, any number of things can mistakenly appear as a hazard or danger that we feel unable to cope with – general examples? having to give a presentation, attend an interview, go on a date, drive in bad traffic, cope with your noisy children, sort out the bills, busy social occasions, talking to people you’re attracted to, oh… take your pick, you know who you are!

If you have anxiety (or are a ‘worrier), the chances are that you are fearful of many things, with the flight or flight hormones constantly simmering within, which may cause general fatigue, confusion, and ill health – this would also contribute to self-limiting decisions and behaviours, and would of course reinforce a negative view of the world.

Fight or flight carries a lot of unhelpful and debilitating effects – recognise any of these?

Of course, situations are only a ‘fight or flight’ danger if you perceive them as such – todays danger is often psychological rather than physical. Ideally, we would use CBT to recognise that our thinking causes our ‘upsettness’ and the idea that we are unable to cope – so that we could learn healthy new thinking that would prevent us perceiving hazards where there are none – and so that we could develop new coping skills for a better and more comfortable life experience.

But… for the purpose of this post – let us just look at the physiology of fight or flight here – as it is shown to help people better manage the situation if they understand, scientifically, exactly what is happening and why. Understanding that fight or flight is a natural bodily reaction with a beginning, a middle and an end – and that it is actually a sophisticated elaborate chain developed to help and protect you – can be hugely helpful. This learning and awareness helps us to break down the cycle of fear that can happen otherwise, and can even calm us down – ideally halting the symptoms, or at least decreasing their ferocity and duration – helping us to calm down and ‘right our body balance’ in a shorter time frame.

OK … common Fight or Flight physical symptoms – (the things we don’t realise are happening to cause the symptoms):

Thoughts racing and disjointed – caused by an adrenaline release.
Dizzy / lightheaded –due to adrenaline and increased oxygen levels.
Surroundings seem distant or visual ‘tunnel’ –your pupils dilate to allow you to take in as much visual information as possible. Eyes refocus to the distance to spot danger.
Heart pounding – The heart starts beating faster to increase circulation, since the body anticipates it will be working harder to service the muscles.
Difficulty breathing – the lungs throat and nostrils open up to flood the lungs with enough oxygen to keep up with the increased circulation of blood (re-oxygenating it) – this can trigger shallow rapid breathing.
Neck and shoulder tension – caused by oxygen pumping to muscles, or after effects as the oxygen reduces.
Blushing – Adrenaline causes your blood vessels to dilate in order to improve blood flow and oxygen delivery. As a result, the veins in your face dilate, allowing more blood to flow through them than usual.
Sweating – The body heats up because it is working harder to circulate blood. And then sweats so it can cool itself down / regulate temperatures.
Butterflies/’sick’ feeling – Cortisol shuts down your digestive system, (as it is not needed to fight or run), redirecting blood to essential systems such as the heart, lungs, legs and arms. This can also cause irritable bowel syndrome, nausea and diarrhea
Dry Mouth – Cortisol shutting down inessential systems reduces saliva in the mouth.
Need to urinate (and maybe even pass a stool) – The bladder and bowels may open out to reduce the need for inessential internal actions (and faeces & urine may have put off our attackers)
Trembling, wobbliness, tingling and shaking – an effect of adrenaline stimulus and oxygen overload.
Tightness in the chest and throat, difficulty breathing – the body is overloading on oxygen – which is dangerous if you do not burn the extra oxygen off. Therefore the body tries to reduce the levels by constricting the chest and the lungs, reducing breath intake…

It is common that some people feel even more anxious and scared when these physical effects of fight or flight kick in (they start out feeling anxious about the situation, then they get the physical symptoms and are freaked out by them as well – which accelerates and amplifies the symptoms up to an actual ‘panic attack’). For some, it becomes the fear of the physiology itself that causes a major and ongoing social fear issue (blushing, sweating, breathlessness). Attempting to ‘fight’ against the physical manifestations of anxiety almost always has the opposite effect and intensifies them. Try instead to simply ‘let them happen’ – try to ‘observe’ outside of yourself… tell yourself what’s happening to your body and why – e.g.:

This sweating is simply my bodies way of regulating it’s temperature as it’s overheated because I’m scared of this situation and I’ve gone into fight or flight – it will stop as soon as I calm down – I’ll breath in and out slowly and deeply… I am ok, I can cope, this is ok…

Summary: what is happening with a person who reacts with anxiety and inappropriate physical symptoms is that their body is reacting to the situation as if were as dangerous as, say, a tiger or lion approaching to tear them apart. A false perception has occurred, triggering a very basic and automatic response. We can learn to challenge our perception of events, and because the fight or flight response occurs only when we perceive danger, it can be avoided or minimized if we can convince ourselves there is nothing to fear.

We can challenge and relearn our behaviour and responses to stress triggers by restructuring our thoughts in a more rational and healthy way with CBT – but we also need to be aware of how and why we are physically feeling the way we are – this can help us to stave off panic and remain reasonably calm.

Quick tips:

Deep breathing: because so many symptoms are caused by the oxygen/rapid breathing physiology – breathing control exercises are hugely helpful in easing them.

Medication: if your anxiety is extreme and affecting your life, please go to your doctor and discuss the situation, there is no shame – if you had high blood pressure or diabetes you’d accept it and address it pragmatically, right? treat this in the same way. If necessary, there are several medication options that can relieve your symptoms immediately while you work on your new coping skills (e.g. Betablockers, which suppress the stress hormone involved in the fight-or-flight response. This helps control the physical symptoms of anxiety, or a benzodiazepine/tranquiliser…).

Cardio exercise – when you feel your body go into fight or flight jitters, do 5 minutes of physical exercise if possible in the environment you’re in (run up and down stairs, do sit ups…anything cardiovascular, something that makes you sweat!). The body has primed itself for something physically dramatic (the fighting the tiger or running away very quickly..) – and if you stay immobile it will be confused and take longer to return to homeostasis – the exercise will restore balance more quickly.

Relaxation – choose deliberately to do something you find relaxing (movie, book, candles and music, a walk in park, whatever) – the body has a ‘relaxation’ physical response, which releases chemicals that reduce stress hormones, this slows your heart rate and lowers blood pressure and relaxes muscles, returning you homeostasis (balance). A good source of relaxation/mindfullness exercises can be found on Beaumont Hospital’s site at www.beaumont.ie/marc

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EXTRA NOTE – BEWARE CORTISOL (the stress hormone, or the ‘death hormone’ as it’s scarily called!) – it gets secreted when we are under physical and/or emotional stress. No matter what the source of stress, cortisol is released into the blood stream to help us cope, aiding our fight and flight response by putting sugar into the blood stream so our muscles and brain have the fuel needed to react.

Cortisol is generally high in the morning, but should subside by evening when our rest and repair system (parasympathetic system) is supposed to take over and return us to metabolic equilibrium (homeostasis). Or… at least that scenario is the appropriate stress response by the body – BUT, todays lifestyles and challenges mean that more and more of us are in a state of high cortisol most of the time – as our system keeps us in a constant state of ‘readiness’ for the perceived danger/threat of our ‘stressors’.

This is very dangerous to our health as cortisol curbs functions that are not essential for fight or flight, which alters the immune system responses and suppresses the digestive system, the reproductive system and the growth process. Long-term overexposure to cortisol and other stress hormones can disrupt almost all your body’s processes. This puts you at increased risk of numerous health problems, including:

Irritable bowel syndrom – Heart disease – Sleep problems – Digestive problems – Depression – Obesity (particularly depositing fat around our middle section) – Accelerated aging – Memory impairment – Skin problems – susceptibility to illness, etc.

These physical health implications are why it’s so important to learn healthy ways to cope with the stressors in your life to help the body stay at (or return quickly to) hormonal balance/homeostasis

CBT – learning how to view events and situations in a way that is in proportion to their actual effect on you/your life, will help control your emotional response to them… reducing the instances and strength of fight or flight manifestation. You should also explore relaxation and visualisation exercises, and of course a good diet and time set aside for regular physical exercise will play a part. As will maximising satisfactions and benefits in your ‘life areas’ (You like walking by the sea? Do it more! You dislike something? Do it less!)

Task: create a two column chart, in the first column write out a list of physical symptoms you feel when stressed, and in the second write out the scientific explanation for each one. Study & remember.

Some minor edits were made to the original article which can be found in Veronica Walsh’s blog at http://iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com/2012/04/08/oh-god-i%E2%80%99m-shaking-i-feel-sick-the-physiology-of-fight-or-flight/

May 22, 2017

Interesting article on Narcissism and Emotional Abuse

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They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse

April 13, 2016

An Open Letter from a Therapist to His Clients

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by Dr. Kelly Flanagan | Mar 29, 2016 | Artisan Blog

[The original post for this article can be found at http://artisanclinical.com/an-open-letter-from-a-therapist-to-his-clients/]

Dear Fellow Travelers,

I’ll be the first to admit, writing a letter like this is unusual.

We’re not supposed to talk in public about what we talk about in private. You’re supposed to hide your decision to see me, as if it means you’re more damaged or more fragile than the average person. And I’m supposed to have power over you—degrees and expertise and insights I’ll unleash at just the right moment. I’m supposed to take my authority very, very seriously, and I’m supposed to protect it by telling you very little about what goes on inside of me.

Well, I call BS.

And I do so for one reason in particular: you’ve told me again and again you feel badly about weighing me down with your wounds and burdening me with your, well, burdens. So, I think you need to know this: early one morning last week, I opened my calendar and was overwhelmed with gratitude. I looked at the list of the precious people with whom I’d be spending my day, and I had only one thought in my head:

I’m the luckiest person in the world.

How many people go through every day of life—especially weekdays in the workplace—and never have any kind of authentic human connection? How many of us are hungering for just a little bit of vulnerability and honesty and reality? And yet, this is what I get to do at work, all day.

I can’t believe I get to do this.

In ten years, you have radically altered everything I believe about people. I used to think people were basically bad to the bone—selfish, vicious, devious. And it’s true, those things do exist within most of us. You’ve shown them to me. But then, together, we’ve located a deeper, truer place within you. A place where a light burns so bright it’s Beautiful, with a capital B. When I go to work, I get to be reminded there is something brilliant at the center of every human being.

I’ve been humbled by your beauty.

I offer you something you can’t find too many other places—I observe, I remain objective, and I openly share my insights. Sometimes they are a revelation. And sometimes they are just flat out wrong. When they are, you tell me so, and you share with me your insights about who you are and how life works. To do my job well, I have to embrace uncertainty about my own ideas and I have to be open to the accuracy of yours. And it is utterly freeing.

I’ve been humbled by your wisdom.

You come in and you say things few of us dare to say out loud. For an hour a week, you fashion a place of true belonging from your vulnerability and daring and determination to become unlonely. Some weeks this is more painful than others. Some weeks it doesn’t happen at all. But then you show true courage, and you return again, to try again. When I go to work, ordinary people teach me about extraordinary bravery.

I’ve been humbled by your guts.

You refuse to sleepwalk through this life. You refuse to numb yourself to what’s going on inside of you and around you. You insist upon finding your way to a life of consciousness. Alertness. Awareness. Awakeness. The truth is, the sun has dropped on plenty of mindless Saturdays in which I was left wondering, “What is the point of all this?” but I have never been left wondering that at the end of a day at my office. You are seeking to live your lives fully alive. And I get to witness it. Join you in it.

I’ve been humbled by your passion.

We live in a world in which, it seems, the flags are always flying at half mast. There is so much to grieve. Most work, unfortunately, has become a distraction from our grief. But when I go to work, I join those of you who have decided grieving is an essential part of being alive. You cycle through your denial about what hurts, your anger at those who’ve hurt you, your disappointment about what could have been, and you find your way to peace about all the sad and sacred pain of being human. You’ve taught me how to open up to all of it.

I’ve been humbled by your tenacious tears.

You see, when I go to work this week, I won’t be the only healer in the room—I have a bunch of healers listed by name in my calendar. Because you all teach me the tender truth about what it means to be human, and then I pass that truth along. In this way, actually, you’re all healing each other. I’m just the conduit.

I can’t believe I get to do this. But I do.

We do.

With gratitude,

Kelly

April 14, 2015

Why Feelings Will Always Beat Facts

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New research reveals what really influences us (and it’s not what we think).

Post published by Douglas Van Praet on Mar 30, 2015 in Unconscious Branding

Taken from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/unconscious-branding/201503/why-feelings-will-always-beat-facts?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost

There’s a good reason that Prudential tells you to “Get a piece of the Rock,” Allstate offers to help you avoid the troublemaker “Mayhem,” and Geico is “So easy a caveman can do it.” Advertisers—and research scientists—have learned that metaphors can be more effective than facts alone at influencing your decisions and actions.

It’s because metaphors, like stories, bypass your critical thinking, influencing your deeper, and more powerful, intuitive mind. This is the part of the mind that is the seat of your decision-making and behavior, and it works by implicit association not rational analysis. The drivers of our decisions are often the emotional coloring on top of the literal facts. Metaphors are among the best way to generate these evocative internal and often hidden intimations and feelings.

A study by Stanford University psychologists demonstrates just how powerful a single word can be in influencing a course of action, provided that one word is a metaphor: In the study, participants read short descriptions about rising crime rates in a fictitious city and then answered questions about the city. The purpose of the research was to measure how their answers changed depending upon how crime was described—as a “beast” or a “virus.”

Assistant professor Lera Boroditsky and doctoral candidate Paul Thibodeau found that study participants were about 20 percent more likely to recommend a law enforcement-based approach when rising crime rates were framed as a “beast.” But when test subjects were told it was a “virus,” they were more inclined to address the issues through social reform, such as new programs aimed at boosting the economy or underperforming schools.

The descriptions participants read also included troubling statistics about increased crime—one report indicated that there were 10,000 more crimes reported in 2007 than 2004, and that the number of murders had increased from 330 to more than 500 during that time. When subjects were later questioned about what had been the most influential aspect of the report in shaping their decisions on how best to curb crime, they almost universally believed it was the facts while only a small minority identified the metaphor.

They were wrong.

The reality is we humans are really feeling beings—not thinking machines. We make decisions based on emotion more than logic. Metaphors are often more effective at making us feel differently and as a result they can make us more inclined to act differently. As Boroditsky put it: “People like to think they’re objective and making decisions based on numbers. They want to believe they’re logical. But they’re really being swayed by metaphors.”

So if you want to make a poignant point, or influence others, use similes and metaphors and not just facts and figures. The best business leaders are often experts in the art of persuasion and storytelling through the use of metaphorical comparisons. For example, when Warren Buffet was asked about his first large investment, which involved the purchase of his namesake holding company, Berkshire Hathaway, he said, “We went into a terrible business because it was cheap. It’s what I refer to as the ‘used cigar butt’ approach to investing. You see this cigar butt down there, it’s soggy and terrible, but there’s one puff left, and it’s free. That’s what Berkshire was when we bought it—it was selling below working capital—but it was a terrible, terrible mistake.” While some may bore you with easily forgotten financial facts, Buffet doesn’t just tell stories, he sells them through clever use of metaphors.

For your next business meeting, think about creating a sound bite not easily forgotten but easily passed on to others, one that provides a multisensory metaphorical handle that others can see, feel, and even taste, invoking deeper imagery and richer associational territory than that same old “eye chart” spread sheet.

April 14, 2015

The 6 Best Ways to Beat Anxiety

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Research-based coping strategies that can help you get through it.

Post published by Melanie Greenberg Ph.D. on Jun 28, 2011 in The Mindful Self-Express

Taken from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201106/the-6-best-ways-beat-anxiety

We all know the uncomfortable feeling of anxiety. Our hearts race, our fingers sweat, and our breathing gets shallow and labored. We experience racing thoughts about a perceived threat we fear will be too much to handle. That’s because our “fight or flight” response has kicked in, resulting in sympathetic arousal and a narrowing of attention and focus on avoiding the threat. We seem to be locked in that state, unable to focus on our daily chores or longer-term goals. As a cognitive-behavior therapist with more than 15 years of experience, I have found a variety of techniques that I can teach my patients with anxiety disorders such as phobias, panic attacks, or chronic worry. Some are based on changing thoughts, and others on changing behavior; still others involve physiological responses. The more aspects of anxiety I can decrease, the lower the chance of relapse post-therapy.

Below are six strategies that you can use to help relieve your everyday anxiety:

Reevaluate the probability of the threatening event actually happening.Anxiety makes us feel that a threat is imminent, yet most of the time what we worry most about never happens. By recording our worries—and how few actually came true—we can notice how much we overestimate the prospect of negative events.
Decatastrophize.Even if a bad event happened, we may still be able to handle it by using coping skills and problem-solving abilities or by enlisting others to help. Although not pleasant, we could still survive encountering a spider, having a panic attack, or losing money. It’s important to realize that very few things are the end of the world.
Use deep breathing and relaxation.By deliberately relaxing our muscles we begin to calm down so we can think clearly. If you practice this at first without a threat present, it can start to become automatic and will be easier to use in the moment when you face a threat. Deep breathing engages the parasympathetic nervous system to put the brakes on sympathetic arousal.
Become mindful of your own physical and mental reactions.The skill of mindfulness involves calmly observing our own reactions, including fear, without panic or feeling compelled to act. It can be taught in therapy and improves with practice.
Accept fear and commit to living a life based on core values.Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is an approach that encourages people to accept the inevitability of negative thoughts and feelings and not try to repress or control them. By directing attention away from the fear and back onto life tasks and valued goals, we can live a full life despite the fear.
Exposure.Exposure is the most powerful technique for anxiety and it involves facing what we fear and staying in the situation long enough for the fear to habituate or go down, as it naturally does. Fear makes us avoid or run away, so our minds and bodies never learn that much of what we fear is not truly dangerous.

January 10, 2015

What are the different types of psychotherapy?

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This article was originally appeared in The Irish Times and can be found at http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/what-are-the-different-types-of-psychotherapy-1.2059236

What are the different types of psychotherapy?

Kate Holmquist

Last Updated: Thursday, January 8, 2015, 17:12

What are the different types of psychotherapy?
Most psychotherapists these days shy clear of labels and many combine various approaches. However, there are five “modalities” of psychotherapy within the Irish Council for Psychotherapy.

1. Psychoanalytic psychotherapy
Once the exclusive preserve of psychiatrists, this method has developed light years with the times, while still having its origins in Freud and Jung, focusing on memories of childhood experiences. Six organisations represent psychoanalytic psychotherapy in Ireland. Psychotherapy ireland.com/disciplines/ psychoanalytic-therapy/

2. Constructivist Psychotherapy
Every individual over time creates a story about themselves, the world around them and how they came to be who they are. This story allows them to anticipate or map out in their head how things will turn out. These maps can be unhelpful, especially if the person anticipates things turning out badly, so constructivism helps the client move towards a more informed and less negative view. See irishconstructivists.org.

3. Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy
Integrative therapists use a variety of accredited psychotherapy practises so that they have the flexibility to employ what might help the client most. The phrase “humanist psychotherapy” is what appeals to many people, as it is based on the individual’s inherent drive towards development and growth, with the view that every human being has a capacity for fulfilment. See iahip.org.

4. Couple and Family Therapy
With a reputation as the last stop before divorce, this approach when used earlier in the relationship can remind you why you fell in love and improve communication. It sees each individual as part of a system in which negative interactions with others can exacerbate an individual’s problems. For example, in a dysfunctional family system a particular family member may be “scapegoated” as the only individual with a problem – the depressive mother, the alcoholic father, the out-of-control teenager. Couple and family therapy takes a broader view of problems and seeks to improve relationships, while also taking account of the internal issues of each individual. Relationships Ireland offers couple and family therapy at low cost.

5. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
This is an active, problem-solving approach that can help alleviate depression and anxiety. The therapist and client share a journey towards understanding the relationship between the client’s feelings and behaviour. Changing thinking patterns can help sufferers of panic attacks, generalised anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and chronic depression, who often respond well with CBT. The number of sessions required depends on the needs of the client and the extent to which they need to explore, with the therapist, the reasons for their distress. Make sure that your CBT professional has the full accreditation required, which you can find out by consulting the Irish Council for Psychotherapy, Psychological Society of Ireland or National Association of Cognitive Behavioural Therapists (NACBT).

January 10, 2015

A guide to finding the right therapist for you

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This article originally appeared in The Irish Times and can be found at http://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/therapy-unlocked-a-guide-to-finding-the-right-therapist-for-you-1.2055346

Therapy unlocked: a guide to finding the right therapist for you

Kate Holmquist

Last Updated: Friday, January 9, 2015, 17:44

When you have reached that difficult moment of emotional crisis where you’ve decided to reach out to a psychology professional, you will probably look online. Cue confusion. You see bewildering lists of accreditation letters – ICP, IACP, PSI, IAHIP, FTAI to name a few – and you notice that there appear to be several methods – Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Constructivist Psychotherapy, Couple and Family Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Humanistic Integrative psychotherapy.

You may see the words “counselling” and “psychotherapy” and wonder what the difference is. With so many phone numbers and emails you could use, for the uninitiated it’s a bit like putting a pin in an online map and hoping that the person who answers will be kind to you.

This feels like a shot in the dark, and yet you’ve never been more vulnerable because things have got pretty stressful for you to be phoning a complete stranger. As the phone rings, you may visualise yourself reaching Gabriel Byrne’s Dr Paul Weston of In Treatment, or Dr Jennifer Melfi in the Sopranos, Frasier Crane or even Sigmund Freud himself, with his goatee and couch where you will lie for an hour trying to remember your dreams. Who knows?

Finding a therapist is not like finding a dentist. Your friends will always have lists of dentists, and GPs and personal trainers to call. People tend not to discuss their therapists with each other, partly due to a lingering stigma in Ireland and partly because of the deeply private nature of the problem you are trying to solve.

Today psychotherapy in Ireland has developed to a high standard, even though there is no formal State accreditation of psychotherapists. Still, says psychotherapist Brendan Madden, many people still suffer for four or five years before seeking out a therapist and they may be at the end of their tethers, with sleep problems, anxiety or anger issues.

Whatever the reason for considering therapy, there’s no question that people feel extremely vulnerable when they finally decide to make the leap. Can you ask a friend? It’s a good idea, but you may not want to share your friend’s psychotherapist. Your GP may have a psychotherapist or counselling psychologist working in the practice, which can be a good place to start.

Comfortable

Finding a therapist may not seem as straightforward as finding a GP, but it’s actually a good idea to follow the same route. Do you feel comfortable with the person? Have they listened to you on the phone? Are they friendly, clear and otherwise consumer-aware (as in, telling you what they charge)? Are they nearby?

“In the same way we choose a doctor, we should allow ourselves the option of shopping around until we find someone we have a good fit with,” advises Trish Murphy, psychotherapist and Irish Times agony aunt. “This is not always easy and many people choose to stay with the person they first meet and this often works out well.”

Psychotherapists are trained to relate to and treat people who are distressed. They work to alleviate personal suffering and encourage change.

“The therapeutic relationship is very important and you have to be able to trust your therapist,” says Yvonne Tone, a cognitive behavioural therapist, one of the five “modalities” accredited. “It’s about collaborating with the therapist, working in a shared way to understand the problem, such as depression or anxiety, that you want to address.”

But first you have to figure out what all those accreditation letters mean and what the various forms of therapy are. Don’t you? “You can’t say that one therapy is better than another – for example, while CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) has been shown to be effective, there’s no evidence that it is better than other types of therapy,” says Brendan Madden.

Madden practises solution-focused “brief therapy”, where the client is encouraged to become “a solution detective” and discover their own strengths and solutions to whatever problem they’re facing, empowered by the therapist.

Psychoanalysis, on the other hand, sees the path of self-discovery, in cooperation with the therapist, as an end in itself. “Psychoanalysis respects the individuality of each person,” says Jose Castilho, psychoanalyst and chair of the Irish Council for Psychotherapy.

“It’s not about helping the client to adapt to the world, but helping the individual to adapt to him or herself.”

While it may have a reputation for being the scenic route to wellbeing, since it’s not goal-oriented, psychoanalysis has changed over the years and can help people who are in crisis from a breakup or the loss of a job over a short space of time. Others may remain in “analysis” or other talk therapy for years because of the insights they gain.

The uninitiated may think that any therapist of whatever ilk has a gift of insight into their personality that will eventually be revealed like the third secret of Fatima. You are bound to be disappointed, because like the Wizard in Oz, the therapist hasn’t got the answers, only you do. But an effective therapist will help you figure it out.

“Therapy is not a healing ritual or practice performed by the therapist to cure psychological distress. Recovery and emotional healing comes from the strong therapeutic alliance built over time between therapist and client – and it’s really the client who does all the work,” says Madden. Trusting relationship Murphy agrees that establishing a trusting relationship is the key to the success of the therapy. “It’s the relationship between the client and the therapist, not the particular model of therapy, that is most important.”

In recent years, psychotherapy has moved towards shorter, solution-focused therapies that can help the client get through a rough patch or to make a difficult decision. Some therapies, however, can involve much more time. Where there is a serious issue with depression or anxiety, the therapy could take years to get to the source of the problem, says Dermod Moore, chair of the Irish Association of Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy (IAHIP).

What qualifications should a psychotherapist have?
All psychotherapists should be accredited with a professional body that adheres to a code of ethics and has complaints procedures and standards of practice. Currently, the Irish Council for Psychotherapy (ICP) is the umbrella body for all psychotherapy in Ireland, representing more than 1,250 psychotherapists who have undergone in-depth training and are committed to the highest standards of professional conduct. Another professional body is the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Currently, the qualifications required for ICP is seven years’ training, four of those at post- graduate level dedicated specifically to psychotherapy. Many Irish psychotherapists hold the European Certificate for Psychotherapy which qualifies practitioners to work anywhere in Europe.

What’s the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist or psychotherapistst?
The key difference is that a psychiatrist has been medically trained and holds a medical degree. The suffix “-iatry” means “medical treatment,” and “-logy” means “science” or “theory.” Psychiatry is the medical treatment of the psyche, and practitioners are therefore qualified to prescribe medication, while psychology is the science of the psyche.

A psychotherapist can be a psychiatrist, psychologist or other mental health professional, who has had further specialist training in psychotherapy which focuses on helping people to overcome stress, emotional and relationship problems or troublesome habits.

What will it cost?
Many therapists offer a sliding scale based on your income, so be forthright about what you can afford from the start. The cost varies depending on the psychotherapist but a regular fee is somewhere between €70-€120 per session . Less expensive therapy is available through training programmes or subsidised systems. Many psychotherapists offer a sliding scale for unemployed or retired people. Student therapists need to practise to become qualified, so you can see someone in a training programme for €50 per hour or less. The upside is that student therapists tend to be very enthusiastic, dedicated and well-supervised.

What should my therapist be like?
The therapist should empower you to feel more confident, not less. Empathy is his or her most important quality. Trust your gut instinct about whether this particular therapist is right for you. “Keep it simple and don’t be blinded by jargon. It’s the therapeutic relationship that counts – you have to have a sense that the therapist will listen, understand and work with you towards your goal,” says Madden. If you don’t feel it’s good for you or not what you agreed, then don’t be afraid to find another therapist that’s a better fit for you.

How often do I need to see the psychotherapist?
Usually the first session is used to see if there is a fit between the therapist and client and to agree what the need is about the number of sessions. The average is probably about 8 weekly sessions. Some psychotherapists work on a twice-weekly basis; these would be in the minority.

Are all therapists neurotic?
To train as a therapist, you do need to have therapy and sort out your own issues. However, it’s fair to say that there is a tendency for people to be drawn to psychotherapeutic training to sort out their own problems, which probably leads to a higher proportion of neurosis and issues among therapists than among the general population. But that’s usually a good thing because the therapist has probably developed a good deal of compassion and understanding on their journey to mental wellbeing and personal growth.

I’m still not sure. Why do I need a psychotherapist rather than a friend who is a good listener?
A psychotherapist will help to unravel the tangles of the issue and help to clarify what the problem is and what can be dealt with at what time. “Psychotherapy is a safe place to explore and discuss the most difficult of things, even those that are hidden,” advises Trish Murphy.

When should I seek a therapist?
“When you are troubled, suffering, shocked, grieved, floundering and unable to reach decisions,” advises Trish Murphy. “When a relationship – at home, at work or elsewhere – is in trouble is another appropriate time. A critical event might be an ideal time to source help: loss, death, accident, injury, change of country/job, rape, hurt and so on.”

How do I know it’s working?
Generally, how things are working out early on in therapy is predictive of how things will turn out. “You should feel change and notice progress fairly early in the therapy process, over a matter of weeks rather than months,” says Madden. “By six to 10 sessions there should be some early change.”

There’s sometimes a notion that you have to get worse before you get better. Madden disagrees: “If it’s getting worse, something isn’t effective. You should be feeling more hopeful after six to 10 weeks and start to feel better. If not, discuss this with your therapist and consider doing something different .”

How will I know if it’s not working?
From the start, the psychotherapist should be professional and organised and give clear, reassuring answers about their qualifications and experience. The time, date, fee and location of the appointments should be fixed and agreed. The psychotherapist should be empathetic and always put the client’s needs first (for clients at risk of self-harm or abuse, safety needs come first). All psychotherapists are guided by their association’s code of ethics that guide practice and meeting client expectations. If clients are not making progress, therapists are obliged to listen to their feedback, change the direction or focus of therapy, or make a referral onwards.You should feel listened to and heard – that is the core of empathy, a necessary condition for change. With the exception of classical psychoanalysis, the client shouldn’t be expected to do all the talking. The therapist should take turns to summarise, paraphrase and clarify what the client is saying.

Are there cases where a couples therapist is better?
Where there are difficulties in an intimate relationship, there is often a case for seeing a couples therapist. Where someone is undergoing personal therapy for depression, for example, and relationship issues arise, this does not necessarily mean leaving the individual therapist. Where both parties are willing, the therapist might seek to work specifically with them on couple issues for a period of time, which can be enormously helpful for both the individual’s depression and the couple relationship. Familytherapyireland. com is the professional body for couple and family therapists.

Many family therapists work with people on an individual, couple and family level. Other therapists offering couple therapy would be expected to have additional training or experience in this area.

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